By Claralynn Schnell of Contemporary VA

We all expect at some point to bury our parents, it’s a part of the cycle of life, however, when faced with this challenge, it can become overwhelming.  Two years ago at the age of 29 I was burying my father. He died of a massive heart attack at the age of 53.  In the last couple of years he had been healthy and doing well. However, years of surgeries on his back, drinking and smoking had finally taken its toll.  It was in this tragedy that I experienced a change inside of me that has stuck with me and will continue to for the rest of my life.

My father, was not a father.  He was absent for most of my life due to choices that he made, his death, has not impacted my daily life.  While this is sad, I have learned lessons that I wish to pass along.  First, I learned forgiveness at his funeral.  As I watched my brothers and sisters, we sat stoned faced looking and listening to people describe only the best parts of my dad, parts that we for the most part did not see.  Life is funny that way.  However, I saw a man who had changed but was so afraid of his mistakes in the past that he was just trying to move forward.  He was in a happy and faithful marriage, and had become a great dad to her son.  While, for a while that made me angry…I realized that he was just doing the best that he could. So his death taught me to forgive a man who didn’t live up to what I believed a father could be, instead now, I believe that he was doing the best he could, with the skills he had.

The second thing I learned was that in death you see a whole person.  This person was no longer just my dad, he was a brother, a son, a father, a friend and a husband.  As an adult it is easier to see that my parent was more than a just a parent, he was a person. I realize that for so long, I faulted him for not being a good parent, however, he was a great brother, husband and friend to many.

The final thing I learned from his passing was…to let go. I had to let go of what I believed he could have been and just loved him for who he was.  All of these things may have come too late to matter, but in the moving forward part of grief it has made a difference.  I have chosen to forgive him, move on and realize that I can learn from his not so successful path and ensure that my children don’t have those same feelings.

Death is a natural part of life, it is those that are left behind that struggle with how to overcome these feelings, however, if we look at it as another life lesson, I believe we can learn and grow and become a better example of what we want to be. 

Are you struggling with the loss of someone? Do you want to talk? Contact Paul, he can and will help you.