By Sami Shields of ContemporaryVA
The dread word…DIVORCE.  No one wants to hear those words and I am no exception, so when out of the blue my husband came home and said he wanted a divorce, I was shocked.  I begged him to try and get counseling he refused.  Instead, I was left to figure out how to now raise 2 boys, 2 ½ and 4 months, by myself and across the country.  Why move? FAMILY.  I knew that in this difficult time, I would never be able to survive without the love of my family to support me and help me through a confusing and troubling time.

I spent 2 days crying and begging him to reconsider and then I started to look at my part in the failure of our marriage.  While he completely said that I did nothing wrong, I couldn’t help but feel that wasn’t the truth.  After a night out with friends, saying some things that I am not sure I was ready to hear, my eyes were opened.  They said I had lost my spark, the thing that makes me “Claralynn”, I had changed about 2 months before the birth of our youngest child.  I stopped and wondered….”why didn’t anyone say something before?? Why tell me in a time where I am already confused? Why add to my pain with your words??” I know the answer…they knew I was OPEN to hearing what I needed to change.  It was even more of a shock to me when they said they weren’t surprised that we were having troubles.  That blew me away.  I had been sitting oblivious in what I thought was a happy marriage.

So I have been looking deep in myself and realizing that things have to change.  If I want my marriage to survive this separation and avoid the “D” word, I have to communicate better.  I have to stop resenting my husband and I have to find self-worth in the things that I accomplish.  I can’t rely on him to be my sole source of happiness; that is not his job. When we got married, I had a great job that I enjoyed and loved, I contributed a huge financial piece to the family.  However, when we had our oldest son, I gave it all up to raise him.  I gave up everything. My husband nothing. Or so I have been telling myself.  So resentment set in.  My feelings are unfair to him, yes he “gets” to work, but he also “gets” to have the burden of our financial security solely on him.  I think that after almost 3 years this was too much for him.  Had we communicated better with each other I believe that this could have been avoided.  We could have figured out a better solution than separation and possible divorce.

So how do I move forward? I go to counseling, I change the things about myself that I don’t like and I start communicating.  I feel that if I work on these things my marriage will survive, I believe in our vows and the bonds we created when we got married.  I can’t do it alone, and he also has to be willing to make it work.  I am hoping temporary space will make us both see what we are missing.  He may be the one who asked for a divorce, but I am just as much at fault. I failed to communicate and instead took on anger and frustration without giving him an opportunity to help me.  I failed him as much as he has failed me.

Divorce is the dreaded word in my life.  BUT, this has opened my eyes and shown me to never take my husband for granted. I am willing to do the work, now it’s time to hope and pray that I am not too late.

What are you currently struggling with? Let us know in the comments below or send a message here.