by Donna Robertshaw of ContemporaryVA
In March I was driving home from my parent’s place where I had just spent 2 days watching my Father pass away from cancer. He had been diagnosed in November and it rapidly took over his body even with 2 attempts at chemo. I didn’t cry much during those 2 days but the emotions refused to be bottled up so they came out in the form of two anxiety attacks through the visit. While driving I had to make a business call to a client and in the course of the conversation she and I talked about grief. She told me this beautiful story of her own tragedy to triumph moment and when I asked her how she overcame anger and bitterness she told me “I let myself grieve.” WOW! It was as if fireworks went off in my car! After I hung up I began to think about what she said. I was overwhelmed. I had never let myself grieve anything. How does one grieve? I had no idea. Why didn’t I know how to grieve? Good question. The answer is simply stated: I never learned how to grieve.
In ancient times people set aside time for grieving. The dressed for grieving. Their friends and family joined in the grieving. It wasn’t just about honoring the dead, but about letting themselves have the “moment.” I think they were smart because during grieving our minds and bodies are under tremendous pressure and it’s hard to get anything done. Our society is so different now. There just isn’t time to grieve. Some religious environments actually reject grieving as if a sin. They have swung the pendulum in the opposite direction saying that we should only be rejoicing because the loved one is in heaven. This is a very unhealthy way of dealing with loss. Getting stuck in grief is unhealthy too. So what is the happy middle?
So far this is what is helping me:
Cry: It’s OK! I have stopped saying “I’m sorry.” when I cry. I’m not sorry. There is nothing wrong with crying. My body and mind will be much healthier because I just let out the natural human emotion. We were created to cry, to mourn. It’s OK!
Journaling – I write in my journal the deepest of thoughts and the hardest of memories. I always feel so much better after taking the time to write it all down.
Support: I have two friends I can open up to about anything and everything. They have been very helpful. I also talk to my therapist who really puts it all into perspective. She lets me cry too.
Revisit the past: Whether it’s going through pictures and just letting the memories flow through my mind, it’s ok to look back. I don’t stay there and camp out, but I let the memories come. I have the “moment.”
Have a Trinket: I have a couple trinkets that symbolize the different things that I have/am grieving. They are either in my purse or on my body. Nobody knows they are there or what they mean. They are my little secret.
Let it Inspire: I let the grief inspire me. I use it as a catalyst for helping me to make the future better so I can leave a good legacy behind. Not everyone is going to have something positive to say about me but all I care about are my 2 little girls knowing that their Mother loved them. I let them see me cry. I tell them it’s ok for them to cry. BUT…we also laugh…a lot!! We smile and giggle and act silly. It’s all about balance.
Not everyone grieves in the same way but a common goal to the grieving is that we should not allow the bitterness and anger of certain circumstances to consume us. Lashing out at others, turning the bitterness over and over in our minds will not only hurt us but the loved ones still around us that want to help and support. Find what works for you. Let yourself grieve. Take your time to get through it. Allow yourself to heal from it. Then you can help someone when it’s their turn.
Are you experiencing grief? Are you having trouble getting through it and finding the peace to heal from it? If you are having trouble or need help with healing, reach out and contact Paul to set up an appointment today.