By Claralynn Schnell of Contemporary VA
We all know the statistics, kids raised in a two parent home are better off, more successful and generally better off. However, keeping a marriage together is not always possible. Here are some classic struggles that kids deal with, tips for making it work and ideas on how to transition easier.
Some struggles when it comes to divorce and children include the constant shuffling from one house to another and not knowing where they truly belong. Kids feel just as lost during this transition as the adults can be, help to ease this stress. When possible, allow them to have rooms at both houses with essentials at both places. Kids should not have to tote clothes, toys and toothbrushes with them each weekend. Make them feel at home in this new surroundings. There will always be stuff they take back and forth but make it so that they are not in “need” of anything at either house. This will help them to feel at ease with the transition knowing that in both places they are safe and that they “own” something. Allow your child to be heard, understood and acknowledged. Remember their pain is very real.
Another struggle is the “sides” game. Do not put your child in the middle, they should not be messengers or reporters. Make your home a safe place, ask about their weekend or time with the other parent but don’t pry. This will allow them to be open and honest with you and never feel that you are angry with them. Kids feel caught in the middle and will instinctively want to protect one parent from the other. Keep an open dialogue with your child, that it is ok to be angry, upset, happy or scared. Let them know you want them to love their other parent. This is an important step. For communicating with your Ex, use email, text, phone conversations or letters, with technology today, you can have an entire conversation without even physically seeing a person. If things are at a point where you cannot get along with an ex, use text. Just keep in mind the kids are the most important thing you share.
Lastly, a huge struggle can be control. As kids feel their lives are spiraling out of control, they may cling to things where they feel in control. For younger kids that can be refusing to potty train reverting from being potty trained, for older kids, it could be an eating disorder or a drop in grades or activities. Remind your kids that it is ok to be upset and try to be understanding as problems come up, because they will.
Divorce is the hardest thing a family will go through, but through learning pains and growth, it can turn into a healthy situation. Always remember that you are the adult, the parent and the responsible party. Your kids are not a sounding board for your problems. Continue to love them and cherish them and hopefully this transition will work itself out. Are you struggling with divorce and your children? If so contact Paul.
